my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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