Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
