I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
