1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
