you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I woke up under a house in Key West
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
