The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
