I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
