i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
