smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
