I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Randomize
