My room smells like vodka and shame
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
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