I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
