He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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