Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
