Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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