No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
