He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
