i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I will pee on everything he values.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
