Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
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