Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
