my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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