I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
