So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
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