This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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