I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
