seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
