My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Just high enough for therapy.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
