So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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