I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
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