Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
