take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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