Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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