I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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