my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
