Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
