I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
