Jerry, you need to find god
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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