This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
