So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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