So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
