Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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