So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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