i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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