Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
