I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
