we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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