her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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