Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
So squirting runs in the family.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
