this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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