smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
