I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
